Not seriously…but a little bit seriously maybe.
I cannot believe I haven’t written in 2 months and this is what I am going to write about. But it’s the end of summer (an extremely hot August filled with grouchy and bored children), and I just couldn’t sit down and write about it. I couldn’t put into words how much I hated going outside and driving to camp and even taking the time to water my flowers. Yes, they are all very dead now. No…I was too depressed. So by Labor Day, I was no joy to be around. I was, although, very much looking forward to school starting again. I probably have been awfully difficult. The heat plus the depression plus whatever is starting to “change” at my age all adds up to a truly sucky attitude. But now to add to all of that, my husband has lost all patience with me.
Why did we have a terrible fight? Why did we yell in front of the children, which by the way we (especially him) never do? Why did he call me a bitch? I wish to Hell I could tell you. He was mad because he didn’t think I was diligent enough about the kids’ summer assignments. He doesn’t think “anything happens around here unless HE holds it all together.” Maybe that was it. I don’t think so. I think he is mad because I’m depressed again. I think he’s mad that we’ve been married what will be 16 years this month and I’m depressed AGAIN. I think he’s mad I didn’t get better.
I don’t really think he hates me. That’s hyperbole I’ve used to try and get you to read my blog. I want someone out there to hear me. Because no one in this house is hearing me. My therapist hears me, but she always hears me. She’s the only one. I pay her to hear me. If you’ve seen my other posts you know for sure my mother isn’t hearing me (and Oh, Lord save me, she’s coming next week). But no, I don’t really think he hates me. I just don’t think he likes me very much. Is that possible? That he loves me? He thinks I’m a crappy mom and loves me anyway, but is just sick of me? See he’s been divorced before and it was horrible on him and his other children so I think I’d literally have to Trumpishly “shoot him in the street,” before he left me. But I just don’t think he likes me. Maybe that’s a thing? I don’t know. What do you think?
I know I don’t like me so it sure seems possible to me.