I cannot believe it’s been a month since I’ve posted. But depression can make you lose track of days and weeks in a blur of mindless activity between the blissful periods of unconscious sleep. I try so hard to walk the walk with my kids and enjoy every minute I can with them but sometimes it’s just beyond my capabilities. And of anyone out there whom I though understood, I thought my husband did…but he really doesn’t. Not totally.
Last month we had an awful fight. The kind that erodes a small bit of your relationship. If you have too many of these kinds of fights I suppose that’s how you end up divorced. Luckily (and I hope it stays this way), we don’t ever fight like this. He said things that night out of frustration that I know he now wishes had never escaped the filters he normally uses with me. I understand that my moods make him “crazy” sometimes, but he has to shield me because I’m so vulnerable. I have no natural protection from hurtful words. PTSD does that to me. But this time he couldn’t help it. And now I feel just a little bit differently about us. He was my biggest protector and my best friend and he used my trigger points against me. I’m still somewhat shocked even a month later.
It started as simply as this: He’s working insane hours lately. And when he’s not at work he is going to my daughter’s softball games. Every weekend, non-stop. I go sometimes…when I’m up for it and when the other two kids want to go. But not all the time. Otherwise the whole family would be living at the softball field. But one night, I was really down and feeling so lonely that I told him I feared he was spending so much time with her to avoid being with me. He went nuts. Not only did he accuse me of being a poor mom for not participating in my kids’ activities enough, he said I was just like my mother! Isolating myself and hiding away so I could wallow in my depression. He said I was also being like my father by refusing to foster friendships with new people…softball moms especially. I couldn’t believe it. If there were a list of “the worst things you can say to hurt me,” these were the top 3.
I cried for the next several days despite his apologies and claims I misunderstood. He even took two weeks off from work to spend time with me. But it took about that long for me to be around him again without getting upset. His words kept bouncing around my head so badly that they were drowning out everything else. I’m just now, a month or so later, coming out of the fog this fight caused. Mother’s Day was nice despite him being with my daughter at a softball tournament all weekend. Her team won the tournament so I just decided to be happy about that. But something is different now. I’m a little more broken than before. Something has changed in the way I see my husband and I’m not sure it will ever go back to the way it was. I am praying not for forgiveness…I have forgiven him. I am praying I will forget the words. I wish there was a way to erase that memory forever. I want my best friend back. And I’m the one keeping him out.